I am repulsive.

Am I really so consumed in my own problems that I don't even have the ability to listen to others and help them anymore?

Am I useless?

Is there any point to my existent?

Am I selfish?

Is it hard to spend time with me?

Who am I?

What is the point?

Is she right?

Time

The time is cold,

Yet nimble and quick.

Never growing old

Ready to trick.

Our young, naive souls

With time, try to mingle.

Time’s voice is silent,

No joyous jingle.

Leaves one bent

Figuring out why.

Time’s mask is dull.

Time whispers lies.

Pretends to lull

Then rushes by.

Leaving you behind.

Leaving you to die.

Yet still with our twisted mind’s

We try to control the powerful time.

Our hands try to grasp while our eyes try to find.

Our ears seek out some imaginary chime.

But as we search for the forever lost

Time squirms and giggles endlessly.

Once again we’ve been tripped and tossed.

Time leaves us behind, broken, skipping away merrily.

My mother hid the the wine.

My mother fucking hid the wine.

A humming bird flew up beside me and whispered a secret into my ear, "Your life is a lie, speak and live the truth" I then replied, "But why must I do this if the truth hurts so much?" The little bird responded in a rush, "If the world was simply honest and had a bit of trust perhaps confusion would lessen and there wouldn't be such a fuss. A search for the truth is what we all possess, and when the truth is broken mishap will process. Stand up, open your eyes, and breathe the truth. For the world will be less broken if the chain of lies ends with you."

Secrets

A stain on your soul, some may say.

A burden you hold that you must also lay.

The monster that feeds on all your insides.

The monster that forces you to run and hide.

You feel the burn of a label upon your heart.

You feel the pain of hate like piercing darts.

Unable to breathe from the force of a wave.

A wave invisible to others, you can never be saved.

Though the power is within you to find your help.

But the hand of fear silences your yelps.

Screaming and curling alone does no good.

Bleeding and wailing doesn’t fix what it should.

Slowly but surely your mind is engulfed.

It possesses you, and your spirit it tries to dissolve.

You flaunt and you grin, act like everything is alright.

Those who wish to be blind will never see your fight.

Still others will see and know not what to do.

While you wonder alone in a maze of you.

Yet you hold on to that power which you wish you never met.

You clutch and hold securely your dear secrets.

I say I want to to die, I say that death is so appealing, but once faced with it, I realize that I don’t want to die. I’m not ready for death, I want to be alive. I want to feel alive again, but I want darkness too. I want my addictions, I want my sins, therefore I want darkness. Is that right? I don’t really know what I want exactly. But I do know that I don’t want to dream of death anymore. I’m not ready yet.

I shouldn't of woken up today.

You have proven the voices in my head right.

I hope you are happy with yourself.

Hurting a person (indirectly) that is already pretty fucking broken to begin with.

Thank you for all the lies.

Thank you for the gossiping.

Congratulations.

You have won, I suppose.

But just remember, you do not know me.

You do not get me.

And you never will.

Slow Suicide

"I don't even know you and I'm worried about you", she said with her wide and too perfect smile. "Will you accept help?" Silence. Both sets of eyes were burning holes into the side of my head as I averted my eyes downward and pretended to ponder the texture of the blueish greenish carpet beneath our feet. "You need to answer the question. Will you accept help?" she repeated. "Do I have a choice?" , I snapped back at her still looking down towards the ground. "What are you afraid of? Don't you care about your mother, your family, your friends?", she asked "Of course I do", I responded "But no one can help me. All who have tried to fix me have failed. No doctor, medication, or therapy will ever change that." She quickly typed some notes on her computer. "You do not know that", she said in the most phony version of sympathy I had ever heard. Silence. "If things get worse we may have to use force. You wouldn't want that. For all this is is a slow form of suicide." Silence "We are just going to sit here until I say yes, I have no choice." She let out a piercing and bothersome giggle in attempt to lighten up the mood. "So does that mean you will accept?" Silence "This is no question, this is no offer. I have no choice", I stated through clenched teeth "Good! I'm glad we've made some progress, we will call you in a few days."

I wish I could easily reach out to you.

I wish you could easily reach out to me.

I keep the excuse that "it's not in my nature"

But really I am just frightened, I'm just scared.

Of what?

It's simple; rejection, neglect, abandonment.

It's a reoccurring theme in all my relationships.

Every single fucking one.

I thought she was different.

I thought he was different.

I thought they were different.

I was wrong.

Trusting people seems to always leave me more broken in the end.

I have lost all trust in the human race.

I look for the bad not the good in people.

For when I expect the worst I won't be as disappointed when I receive it.

But with you, I want to get to know you.

I want you to know that I understand.

I really do.

This headache will never cease.

These voices wont hush.

These feelings refuse to halt.

So I'll sleep it all away, pretend reality is merely a dream.

Perhaps this time I won't wake.

End

Shut my eyes.

Let me rest beyond the sun rise.

Dry my tears, just end it all.

I just want to stop this fall.

Could I simply sleep forever?

Is that such a crime?

Would you care if melted away?

What if it really was my time?

There are no more words left to say.

I’ve spent enough time wandering in this maze.

I need to get out.

This is not just a phase.

No one hears my shouts.

Its not your fault.

Its completely mine.

Just take it with a grain of salt.

Lets pretend, I’m just fine.

Make believe things will pass.

Time passes us by so fast.

Watch me drink myself into delirium.

If you wish you may lock me up in an asylum.

Keep me alive, make it be what you’ll accomplish

For I am I already dead, you have lost your wish.

Being tricked is probably one the most awful feelings in the world.

For it is made obvious what a fool you are, how much you don't matter, and how pointless your efforts truly are.

Scarred, bruised, starving, dry heaves, dirty, passed out on the floor.

Was this really the life I envisioned for myself?

Make It Stop.

Once you begin to think about it, ponder it, consider it, it seems like it will never go away.

Will this thought remain sitting, sulking in my mind for all of eternity?

This horrible yet dangerously alluring idea.

These images run through my mind daily.

These feelings leave me gasping for air.

These voices refuse to leave me alone.

How can I possibly ignore what they are telling me?

Would you ignore them?

Is there such thing as an eternal escape?

Or must we wander blindly forever?

Let me speak.

But now it's just another show. You leave 'em laughing when you go
and if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

A Sinister Voice

She is with me each and every moment

She leaves my will to live completely dormant.

She is not easily driven away.

She is here, and forever will she stay.

She whispers commands into my ear.

She has captured and holds firmly all my fears.

She is slowly crushing me in her brawny grip.

She will not be finished until my sanity is entirely striped.

She leaves me in tatters every night.

She knows I am far too weak to fight.

So I obediently follow her will.

I swallow the pain and endure the chills.

I collapse in a bed of tears when no one is around.

Sometimes, I wish I will one day be found.

To God, I pray that he will take me now.

That my death he will allow.

But for now I roam and wander alone.

Perhaps someday my light will be shone.

Please, take me now.

I don't want to be here anymore.

Problem

Fear.

Uncontrollable fear.

Sometimes the ignorance of "friends" astound me.

"He jests at scars that never felt a wound."

I am going to wake up tomorrow and regret all this shit.

Forgotten Words

In your mind it all made sense.

Within your heart, you knew it all.

You left me hanging on a fence.

You thought letting me go would stop the fall.

You made up your mind about how I felt.

Then did what you thought would help.

Left alone, my hopes did melt.

And those melted hopes silenced my yelps.

You drove me crazy wondering why.

I became utterly lost in this unending maze.

I now feel ashamed of all the tears I cried.

I am trapped in this rejected daze.

And still, I hold no blame on you.

I know you didn't mean to hurt me this way.

You did what you thought you had to do.

There are so many words we need to say.

I wish I had the courage to come straight to you.

This silence has such a heavy cost.

Perhaps I am silly for writing this poem full of hidden clues.

But when the time comes around my words are lost.

Turn It Off, It Must Be On Repeat

The same monotonous rhythmic thuds of the bus.

The same shrill laughs and screams fill the hallways.

The same ring of my phone announcing a message from the wrong person.

The same infinite battle inside of the place I call home.

The same hum of sadness buzzing in my ear.

The same salty tears pouring from my eyes.

The same plastered grins fooling most the others.

The same whispering voices that nobody seems to hear.

The same dreary tune and movie replaying in my head.

Hit me already, I'd rather be dead.

A Toast To Your Ghost.

I poured myself a glass of red wine.

To pass the loneliness of time.

The crimson liquid poured smoothly into the crystal glass.

The bitter sweet flavor touched my tongue and reminded me of the past.

As memories engulfed my mind and soul I was sent back in a flash.

Familiar faces and painful times burned, then turned to ash.

As sudden as the time travel began it swiftly came to a halt.

Once my mind was back in reality, those memories I sealed in a vault.

I returned to my glass of ruby red wide and peered into the night.

Then I asked myself a simple question, "Is it worth the fight?"

I took my final sip of wine, but thought of something new.

Tonight I drank for me, for her, for him, but especially for you.

Lets Be Blunt and Forward For Once

I'm so fucking sick of stuffing food down my throat like uncontrollable little monster.

I need to get a grip.

I'm selfish. I'm tried, I'm lost, I'm sorry. It was just too much to handle.

I keep having these reoccurring visions in my head whenever I close my eyes, even for a few seconds. Horrific pictures that replay over and over again like a never ending slideshow. Some of these awful images are memories or pictures I have seen before and some are new, things that haven't happened yet. They scare me, whatever or whomever is the reason these visions are haunting me scares me. I don't know what to do, I feel so trapped inside my own my mind.

Yes. Maybe Not. Perhaps.

Maybe we weren't meant to go this deep into our minds. Maybe we aren't supposed to know the depths of our own souls. Maybe its some sort of mystical secret. Perhaps thats why brilliant people self destruct. Perhaps we know far too much already and we must stop ourselves from knowing any more.

Maybe not.

No One Ever Can

"I just feel so broken, everything is so wrong. I just want to be happy" she said as the wind rustled her hair and the tears streamed down her rosy cheeks. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I looked out to the dark sky and vast angry ocean. I need an answer, I need to show her that it is going to be alright. "I know" was all I could say. She reached out to grab my hand. Her warm hand laced my cold pale fingers "I know you know". I felt the rumble of a sob deep in my throat. The birds sang their evening songs all around me, how I wish I could be one of them. "I am afraid I am going to loose you. I just want to know that you are going to be okay", she said. I will never be okay. "You don't need to worry about me", I replied "I love you so much of course I worry" Silence. She cleared her throat "I'm sorry that I don't understand" "No one ever can".

Green With Envy

She feels venom pulsing through her veins.

She picks up her courage, this detestation she does not restrain.

As hateful liquid wells up in her eyes.

Every tinge of compassion within her withers and dies.

She feels the burst of loathing deep in her soul.

She must purge this pain, it is taking it's toll.

So she lets poison come pouring out her mouth.

She lies and she hopes no one will doubt.

Conspiracies and twisted truths surround her each day.

Eventually others will notice and the price she'll have to pay.

All this sparked by a substance quite difficult to see.

Never let your heart be consumed by jealousy.

A Fallen and Balanced Nightmare

I was standing proudly erect with my chin up and chest slightly out. I was dressed in a lacy and rhinestoned black corset and tutu, with my hair pulled back into a tight bun. As I slowly looked down toward my feet I realized that I was about one hundred feet above the ground and balancing on a tight rope. Instantly a crowd of nearly a thousand people appeared and were gathered below me. Each being looked familiar to me, yet I couldn't seem to place how I knew them. Each person had one thing in common, expectation and anger filled their eyes. Suddenly anxiety and fear washed over me, and I began to sob and wail. I screamed and screamed helplessly, but the audience merely stared at me with their hateful eyes. "I can't! I can't walk this tight rope, I just can't do this!", I yelled. Then I jumped and fell down down and down. The fall seemed to be infinite until the endless falling finally jolted me awake.

While you make a scene in public over the silliest of things, I'll cry silently in private over the ancient pain that can not be mitigated by simply medicine and a pat on the back.

Desperate

I don't know what to do.

I don't know where to turn.

I need help.

I know I need help.

But I don't want it.

I don't want most of it.

I need someone to talk to.

But there is no one.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

Dearest Friend,

We have been walking along this treacherous path for nearly seven hundred and thirty days. You have been with me through it all. You've sat there watching me squirm and cry. It was always simply you and I. You urged me to block others out, you've shown me how much there is to despise in myself. You have given me the unforgettable gift of pain and the experience of heart wrenching sadness. You whisper words of self destruction in my ear, you push me harder each and every day. But it's not your fault. In a way I want you to stay. Not because I enjoy your presence but because I am afraid to live my life without you. We have been spending far too much time together alone, without using others as a buffer. You are slowly killing me in every way possible. But the problem that has been basking in my mind for countless hours are the questions that will haunt me for the rest of my life: Do I love you or do I hate you? Will I let you stay or will I make you go? I suppose I will never stop hating you. I suppose I will never stop loving you. But I do have a choice to make, it's either me or you. Life versus death, either way I loose. The answer may be obvious to others, but to me it will be the most difficult decision I will ever have to make.

With love,

Your favorite

P.s. I better choose soon because I don't how much longer I will be able to last.

Come on skinny love just last the year

I never knew it was going to be this hard.

I wish I would have known.

I wish I would have known.

Addiction is just beginning.

Addiction spirals uncontrollably.

I need this.

If I would have known, if I just would have known.

Physical pain is only the beginning.

I can not stand it.

I wish I would have known.

I wish I would have known.

The only problem is I did know.

I chose to ignore it.

I am stuck, trapped.

Now I must leave my home to do my deed.

I miss those days when I was alone.

Now that I think about it

sleeping forever sounds nice.

The thing is

You are wrong.

The beauty you see is nothing but a mask glued to my skin.

I'm not worth it, run away while you can.

I'm not who you think I am, not even close.

My whole life is a lie intwined with secrets and deception.

For your own good leave me alone, and forget about me.

You will never know who I really am, I can promise you that.

Dazed and Confused

I don't know.

Turn this way, go straight.

Make a left, actually go back.

I change my mind everyday.

My dreams change every night.

I don't know what is for me.

I don't know which is right.

But perhaps it's both.

I know it's okay.

I'm open.

Could they deal with that?

Can I?

I just don't know.

Game Over

Every fiber of my being hopes it's not true.

Everything makes me feel guilty. My mind is altered, twisted. Nothing is right, everything is wrong. I am wrong. I am growing so weak, but I don't care. I really don't care.

I just want it all to stop.

It stings

Please stop fighting.

Please stop blaming each other.

I'll make it better, I promise.

My stomach is killing me.

At A Stand Still

I'm peering into the little glass television watching my life go before my eyes. From one to four to seven to thirteen each year races over the screen. I cringe, I smile, I laugh, I cry, I scream, but most of all I judge. I judge how I look, how I dressed, how I act, how I smile, every single aspect of myself I judge. I bring up the remote to pause my life. As I press "pause" suddenly the image of myself at this very moment comes over the screen, the little television has become a mirror.

Nella Fantasia, In My Fantasy

I have fallen into another dream, a fabricated reality of the way I wish things could be or what I fear they will become.

I want to melt into your tan, checkered, too soft couch.

I want your pointless words to stop drowning out my thoughts.

I want to scream, but my lips are glued shut.

I want you to stop trying to sew me back together.

I don't want your help.

Things have become routine, others may wince but everything is normal to me. Which leaves me pondering this one question: What is normal? If this is normal to me, but not to you what is normal to you and not to me? Is anything normal anymore? Is there such thing as normal?

To be honest, I just want to get it all out.

Said the jester

You need to let me go.

Bid me farewell.

Just breathe.

Hold onto to the memories that we've had.

Smile upon the good and the bad.

Just breathe, just breathe.

I'm running away.

I'm floating away.

Please don't follow me, please stay.

Don't ever forget that I cared.

I am thankful for what you have shared.

Just breathe, just breathe.

I am doing this for your own good.

I've helped you as much as I could.

I am killing you, I know.

I am torturing you so you will grow.

Just breathe, just breathe.

Take what I have given you and finally fall asleep.

Start filling that hole which is so deep.

You'll never be anything more to me

Then an unfinished project so,

Just breathe.

I don't want to pray. Don't you understand? I don't want to pray. I don't want to fall over in worship. I don't want to go, I don't want to do it. Not now, I can't right now. I'm not avoiding you, I'm avoiding what you try to force upon me. I just can't right now. Let me be. Let me be alone for now.

"That's all it will ever be. It just wasn't meant to be, and it sucks." Your words ring true, but all I want to do is set them on fire and watch them blow away.

I would like to be numb now.

Please pass the bottle.

Her shadow is cast over me.

Thanks for acknowledging that I am alive.

You may go back to sleep now.

Our ghosts will chat later.

I can say no.

And no I don't "need" you.

Underwater

The world is fuzzy all around me.

Their faces are mere blurs.

My memories are fading.

I'm melting, dissolving, disappearing.

Basically

I find it strange how one person can look at you as an awful and cruel being while another sees you as their savior. While one person looks up to you and thinks you are wise someone else could consider you young and naive. I suppose both sides are right and wrong for so much makes up each and every human being and relationship. Never consider or label a person as one thing. Never think you know all there is to know about someone. Never give up on anyone you care or once cared about. We are all worth so much more then that.

As I stare into the black everything suddenly becomes so clear.

My vision then begins to wave, icy wind penetrates my skin.

Emotions flow over me like a mad hurricane; joy, despair, horror, giddiness, disappointment fills my heart concurrently.

Panic resides deep inside of me.

The heavy rushing emotions become too much for me to endure.

I slowly rest my head and body upon the cold wet ground, the world spins.

Everything seems so distant and unreal.

Perhaps I am dreaming, this may be just a mystical fantasy.

Life bursts, feelings of ecstasy pulse through my veins.

I throw my head back and let out a sharp and continuous giggle.

Everything is intensified.

Not only pleasure, but pain as well.

As my mind twists and turns attempting to fathom the incredible sensations I struggle to breath.

I am so warm.

Drowsiness overpowers me and I drift into sleep.

The pain is gone for the moment.

But once I wake reality slaps me across the face.

"You can't escape me."

Put away your hidden fangs.
I am letting go.

I thought I passed it, I thought I missed it.

I began to weep, I don't want to leave it, I don't want to loose it.

As my tears fell from my eyes and dropped salty on my tongue I peered over the car window again.

And there it was standing right where it was only a short time ago.

I suppose I'm silly, I suppose I'm dramatic, I suppose I'm nostalgic.

Yet seeing that small rundown building made me realize that no matter how much I have lost and will loose I will never loose everything.

For some things one can never take away.

A Crack in the Mirror

There was a person staring at me from across the room. Her face was distorted and her wavy hair a mess. Her eyes looked sorrowful and blood shot yet the corners of her mouth turned up into a devilish grin. I could tell she had quite a twisted nature and was trying to tell me something. A secret perhaps or maybe just an important statement. I couldn't understand what she was trying to tell me. She began to itch her pale skin as she did so pinkish welts rose. Frustrated tears welled up in her eyes and ran smoothy down her burning cheeks. She began to move toward me slowly and steadily. Once I saw her more closely I noticed her significantly swollen knuckles and jaw. As she drew nearer to me her calamitous smile faded and detestation filled her eyes. She slowly leaned in and whispered her message in my ear. "I despise ... you."

And than I realized this strange person was me.

You are rotting as we speak

Sometimes I reminisce and smile upon the times we used to have. From swinging on the hammock pretending we were siblings, to whispering secrets and giggling excessively, to kissing on my bed hoping my mom wouldn't walk in, to sneaking on my roof and singing songs on the top of our lungs. But then I remember all the daggers you impelled at me and the warm joyous memories turn to fungus and dirt. The uncontrollable and constant lying, the frequent mood swings, the countless times you would watch me die and laugh. I don't really know why I put up with you for nine long years. I guess in a way I'm glad it's over, although at times I miss your cheerful laugh ringing in my ear. Things have changed so much and I guess for the better.

No, I know for the better.

On love

When you look through your own pair of eyeglasses no matter how begrimed or broken they may be you see more. You see beauty vividly, you see good in all people, you see sadness in the hearts of others, you see hate like a black stain on a person's soul, but most importantly you see love. You are able to recognize love where others do not. You are able to see how delicate and stunning it truly is. You are able to feel when others are in love and you can feel it too. It's a radiant heat. Love is passion, passion burns. Why do you think one blushes when confronted with love? It doesn't matter if you have experienced it first hand you will be able to see it when you do. True love has no limits and no rules. Society can not say what love is because love is higher then society, love is higher then all of us. I guess the Beatles had it right after all.

I'm about to press the "Fuck It" button.

I am no longer living for any of you.

I am going to do whatever the hell I want.

You are welcome to watch bitches.

This is the story of a sad young girl.

Who feels old and out of place in this world.

She sees people as more and feels what they feel.

Sometimes she wonders if she is even real.

She cries quite often locked in her room.

She rarely blames others, she doesn't have the courage to fume.

She keeps her genuine feelings bottled up inside.

She is afraid of who she is so her true self she hides.

No one really knows her, she feels quite alone.

She is often betrayed by others or merely "thrown a bone".

She doesn't know how to handle the pain she feels inside.

So she resorts to other things in which she rarely confides.

Music is the only thing that keeps her from dying.

Music is the only thing in which she doesn't take to lying.

She breathes the music and feels the music like nothing else.

The music sees and accepts her like no else.

Just a game of chutes and ladders

I saw it coming. I saw it all coming.

I knew what was going to happen before it happened.

I could of written the ending to this novel without writing the beginning.

I figured it out, every step of it, every fucking step.

I have played the game before, I could of beaten you if I tried.

This is no surprise at all, it's so goddamned predictable that it makes me want to scream.

But even though I knew all along it pierces me just the same.

Silent Words

I was walking along the sidewalk staring down at my feet, wishing I could melt into the pavement.

I felt the rain upon my neck and heard the sob of baby.

Something inside of me told me to find this crying child.

Once I raised my eyes I found the small family of three standing by their car.

The father was tall and mildly good looking with light brown hair and thick rimmed glasses.

The mother was absolutely stunning.

She had fair skin and long blonde hair that flowed down to her slender waist.

The baby looked to be about a year old and was crying mercilessly.

The father looked puzzled as to why his child was crying, the mother gently rocked the baby back and forth.

Once the child had calmed down she compassionately ran her fingers through her husband's hair and gave him a quick understanding smile.

She slowly walked away, strapped the baby into the car seat, and climbed into the passenger seat.

The father still seemed to look puzzled, he looked into the sky pensively as if he was trying to unravel some sort of mystery.

He looked down and was about to climb into the drivers seat of his car when he noticed me staring.

I quickly looked away not wanting him to realize I had been watching him and his family all the while.

When I looked back up to check if he was still looking at me I caught his stare again.

I instinctively smiled and he smiled back, but his smile wasn't genuine it was forced.

His smile reminded me of my own, slapped on to hide the real pain that was going on inside.

"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside."

Why do I whine so?

I should keep more to myself.

Is there a piano resting upon my chest?

Crushing my ribcage, taking away my oxygen.

Why is this manicured hand grasping my neck?

Sinking it's nails into my skin, drawing crimson blood.

Is there a lump of burning coal lodged in my throat?

Slowly disintegrating my vocal chords, silencing my screams.

Are there insects inside in my stomach?

Eating away, making their hole bigger and bigger.

How is there rain pouring from my eyes?

When all I want is for it all to cease.

I am numb.

This wont last.

But for now,

I am numb.

It makes me laugh because

You all say you are so independent. You all say you are so unique. You all say you are so different. But I say you are all a morphed and slightly tweaked version of what you jest at. You are all the same in your "independent", "unique", and "different" way. But there is nothing wrong with that, don't worry I won't tell anyone.

Hour Glass

There are two sides of me. The sane side and the insane side. I am periodically turned, the sand rushes from one side to another. The trick is to never let one side run out. I must make sure that there is always some sand in both sides. That is the problem, I am slipping. There is hardly any sand left. I am loosing everything. I am becoming my worst fear. I am loosing my sanity.

As if there was a way to turn off reality.
That I alone only knew.
A little switch or maybe a secret key.
Just a flinch and a piercing coo.
I'd take a step into the something.
I'd let new feelings rush in through my toes.
I would listen to the hushed singing.
A place where there were no lows.
I would close my eyes and feel a city.
Or maybe sleep in the water instead.
I would smell the sweet sent of serenity.
And let go of all my dread.
The honeysuckles would sparkle.
The pomegranates would glisten.
The sun flowers would chuckle.
The nectarines would listen.
Butterflies flutter and rest upon my eye lashes.
Rainbows chasse and plie.
Happiness and giggles swarm in the masses.
The loveliness is here to stay.
But only here in a silly dream.
My smile fades as my fantasy crumbles.
So nothing is as it seems?
Then why does it seem that I only break down and tumble?
My sadness can not be washed away by a foolish grin.
My open sores can not be healed with loving words.
I am crumpled and contaminated with my own sins.
Where are all my singing birds?
No more turquoise, purple, and gold.
All I see everywhere is dirt and mold.

I have an enemy.
The difference between me and you is that you don't need your enemy to survive.
It's all my enemies fault.
Everything is it's fault!
I don't know what to do.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
I have no one.

I was so yesterday

And than I realized, I've never felt that I was a part of anything. I was never vital to somebody or some group of people. I was always just there breathing, talking (sometimes), and performing. I was used for what I was good for but once my usefulness had run dry I was thrown out. For short periods of time I have felt that I was needed and loved, but I was always proven otherwise. I am a second thought, always have been always will be. Second, number two, old news, not important anymore. Life as an invisible person, a rejected person is quite lonely. I wonder if you will ever know how you make all the lonely people in the world feel. Probably not, you don't want to see, so you wont. Someday you'll miss me.

Your gentle words still linger in my ear

Memories are like time travel. Close your eyes and remember it, relive it, experience it, feel it again. It's not the same, it never will be. But just hope that more memories will be made and more time traveling endeavors can be taken.

When you have something magical hold on to it, love it, and enjoy it. Nothing lasts forever so no matter what it will be painful when it is stolen from you. But never dwell on it, for dwelling on something magical is when the next magic passes you by without you knowing it.

I know what magic looks like

There is magic everywhere. 

In my eyes. 

In my hair. 

Between my lips.  

Within my soul. 

Look closer.  

Maybe you can see it too. 

Spinning and glittering. 

Swirling and crescendoing.  

Blue, green, purple, black. 

Once you see the magic. 

Than you will be free. 

But until then try  

Try to feel it. 

Try to see it. 

Maybe someday you will be it.   

Magic. 

We are generic.
We are average.
We are typical.

"I love you." (I don't really)
"I love you too." (I feel required to say this)

"I've missed you so much." (I haven't thought about you once)
"I've missed you more." (That was a lie)

"How are you?" (I don't really care about the answer)
"I've been ... good." (I don't want to tell you what's really going on)

I don't know you.
You don't know me.

I've never known you.
You've never known me.

You are safe.
I am safe.

We don't climb.
We sit.

We don't run.
We stay.


Have you ever wanted more?
(Maybe you haven't)

!!!

I am bound.

From head to toe I am bound.

My hands.

My feet.

My chest.

I can't breath.

I'm trying.

Why can't I breath?

I am vulnerable, I feel vulnerable.

It's crushing me.

I am bound.

Poof!

I'll just laugh until you feel ashamed.

I'll just cry until you feel uncomfortable.

I'll just scream until you are scared.

I'll just ignore you until you feel neglected.

I'll just stare until you go away.

But if you don't leave.


Then I will.

Snakes and spiders

Stop talking to me.
Stop tempting me.
You are so fucking sick.
Am I going crazy?
Probably.

and you said..

Simple is such a misleading word.
Just do it, just don't do it, it's simple.
It's not simple, actually it's complex.
It's not easy it's quite difficult.
Nothing is simple, we are not simple, I am not simple.
Do you understand?
It's simple, really.

Thanks for that.
Thanks for that.
Thanks for that.
Don't tell me that you can't sleep.
Don't tell me you can't leave me alone.
Don't tell me how much I am hurting you.
That's not your job.
You aren't supposed to do that.
Leave that for other people to say.
It's just like the last time.
Like all the other times.
Stop using guilt.
It only rips me up more inside.
Thanks for that.
Thanks for that.
Thanks for that.
I really really appreciate it.

I forgot what this felt like

At least someone in this world can fall asleep tonight and know that it is going to be okay. It really really is.

I hate that you try to cover it up, I know you once thought of me as more than just a friend. As short as the time may have been there still was a time. I'll never understand why you are so afraid.

The Bird Still Sings

I’m on this stage.
Some may call it a cage.
Twirling and bounding.
Crowds ooh and aah, astounding.
Easily tricked, easily fooled.
They say they do but they don't really care.
As long as I entertain, it doesn’t matter if its fair.
Sing and act.
Be what others want you to be.
Internal struggles, cover them up.
Keep the words of poison in your mouth shut.
Scars on my body resemble scars on my heart.
Open wounds you can see resembles open wounds you can’t touch.
The show must go on.
Your act must not defile.
Never take off your elegiac smile.

Simplistic

You don't get it. You think you do, but you don't.
You think it's easy, that is the first sign that you don't get it.
If it was easy than I wouldn't be struggling, he wouldn't be struggling, she wouldn't be struggling.
We would all be okay, but we are not.
Trying once or twice doesn't make you all knowing.
It doesn't make you able to get inside my head.
No one will ever fully understand because they are not me, they don't know what I am thinking.
They don't really want to understand.
They have been told that they have to try to understand.
You don't know, you just don't know.

I can feel my humanity slipping.

As tears roll down her cheeks she stares at herself in the mirror.
She hates what she sees, what she is.
She wishes she could reach out and choke the person staring back at her.
She wishes she could shatter her reflection, make her disappear forever.
"Why am I doing this? Why can't I stop?", she asks herself.
Her knees buckle and she falls.
Her body quakes and curls.
She holds herself as her body begins to fail her.
She thinks to herself "What have I done?"
She coughs up more blood and wipes her salty tears from her eyes.
Alone.
Uncontrollable.
Sick.
She keeps going and going.
She ignores the pain.
She needs to get rid of the hate.
You don't understand.
You don't know.
She reaches out and carves her message into the side of the wall.
"I am so cold, I am so lost, I am so empty, I am so contaminated, I am so weak. Save me."

Just like doll

I want it. I do, I want it. As much as I like to say I am not superficial and not shallow I know what I want. And I know what I have to do to get it. The thoughts that run through my head are all surrounded around what I want. And I'll do what I have to do to get it. But is what I think I want what I really want?

Goodnight Sandman

I want to shut my eyes I want to drift away. But my mind races, my senses keep me awake. I have no control, I can’t even control where my thoughts wonder while I am conscious. My eye lids slowly close, my breathing steadies, a low hum invades my mind. Only to be stopped suddenly, awakened by the next sporadic pulse of energy. I wish I could escape into a fantasy world, leave this all behind for a few hours of dreaming bliss.

I feel so empty and alone.

How long can this go on?

I'm so cold.

She has her.

He has him.

She has him.

He has her.

They have them.

I have it.

A monster outsiders look down upon.

But it makes me feel something other than alone.

I guess that monster is my friend, my only friend.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

An all too familiar taste.
An all too familiar puzzle.
An all too familiar lie.
You tricked me this time.
It will not happen again.

You said I was your favorite.

I remember you.
Like you are still here.
I remember your laugh.
Like you are still laughing.
I remember your voice.
Like you are still speaking.

I miss when you would run your fingers through my hair.
I miss when you would hold me close as you watched my hopes tear.
I miss when you would drive me in your car.
When you would tell me I was the best by far.

The smell of cigarettes still reminds me of you.
I breathe deeply remembering our long walks without shoes.

I wish you would call.
Say hello, act like you cared.
I wish you would come.
Just to see me, like you said you would.

I understand.
Times are hard.
You are falling asleep.
You have been gone a while.
But don’t leave forever.

You don’t realize how much you meant to me.

How much you mean to me.

Ashes ashes we all fall down ...

I am holding on as best as I can. I am trying to cure myself. I'm afraid though. I can feel the fog rolling back in, thick and toxic. It seems as if when one storm has passed another comes. I need to grip on, I need to hang on tight. But my fingers are slipping. I am going to fall, will someone be there to catch me?

Pieces of a project, just a project.

What if all the wind stopped?
What if the earth never shook?
Would you think it dull?
What if the waves became calm?
If the earth rested in serenity,
Would you stay?
Would you learn to live?
Would you let yourself die?
If time stopped would you cry?
Would you crumble and fall?
Would you moan in despair?
If everything was dark
Shut off
Closed
And we were alone,
Just you and I,
Would I be enough for you?

I can't breath.

I can't breath.

I can't breath.

My ribs are being crushed.
My lungs are being filled.

I can't breath.

And I Cringe

Scarlet upon the purest white.
Maroon thread interwoven through the silk cloth.
Passionate red splattered across the newly fallen snow.
The rubies fall from everywhere.
Fascinating and pleasing to the eye.
Rich in pain and comfort.
Overflowing with contrasting sensations.
It stings the skin but relieves the heart.
Look deeply into the color.
It expresses something new each time.
Something dying to be found.
Something dying to be understood.

Tell me I am a mistake.
Tell me I am a failure.
Tell me I am weak.
Tell me you were wrong about me.
Tell me you never want to see me again.
Tell me I am a let down.
Tell me I am not good enough.
Tell me what is going on.
Tell me nothing lasts forever.

I don't want to loose you.


I don't want to hear these things.


But it doesn't matter what I want.


If it's what you want.


Just tell me.

Quadrilateral

Once something I loved is something I now despise.
Once you were all that I wanted, now I don't even try.
I see you who you truly are now.
Selfish and rude.
Unforgiving and dull.
Put away your hateful glances.
There is no such thing as real second chances.
You say you care.
But you really don't.
You enjoy me laughing and joking.
You enjoy the facade that I flaunt around.
Fuck all the games.
Fuck all the lies.
To hell with what I used to be.
Or what you hoped was me.
I'm sorry to disappoint,
I know, I'm a let down.
Sucking you into my lie was wrong.
I was a mistake from the start.
I'm sorry I led you into my life.
You were blind, I know.
I should have closed down the show.
Right now it is ending.
I'm taking my final bow.
I'll miss what we had dearly.
Love your friend, sincerely.

Eyes As Deep As The Sea

She sits alone away from the others.
She feels alone she's not like another.
Deep and passionate, yet misunderstood.
Strong and stoic, she stands tall, like she should.
But hidden away from the unkind glances.
Her woe and sorrow twirls and dances.
Each action possesses a different story.
With her words she tries to wipe away her glory.
She rests on a boulder.
She hangs her shoulders.
She cries as she watches the tides.
In them she confides.
She is the water.
She is the current.
The rolling seas are her tears.
The ocean understands her fears.

She laughs

She laughs at me, she does. She laughs as I wither and fall. She chuckles as I quiver and scream. She finds it comical, she finds me comical. She gets her pleasure out of watching me slowly sink. It's all a joke to her, it's all a game. I am merely another player. I am fully engrossed in the game, my body, my mind, even my soul. I'm just like all the others she has hypnotized to partake in her cynical play. As I struggle and stumble across the board she giggles and squirms. She laughs at me, she does.

Let it sink in, let it distract me.

I'm afraid of my feelings.
I'm afraid of my thoughts.
I'm afraid of what you're bringing.
I'm afraid of what you've wrought.
You'll never know how much you mean to me.
You'll never know how much I wish you could see.
I don't understand this.
Why are my thoughts so amiss?
I don't understand you.
These feelings aren't too new.
Yet they differ from anything else.
You differ from everyone else.
I'm worried I am pushing you away.
I'm worried you'll run and never stay.
I hate that you do this to me.
I hate knowing that I will have to pay the fee.
I know I'm the last person on your mind.
I know that you will always be only kind.
But a dreamer can dream.
Even if that dream is out of reach.

I See My Truth

I have given up on people, but I wonder about you.
You seem to understand me, you say you can see through.
If you do know me from the outside in.
You know I can not stop my sins.
Weak people never win.
We always fall.
We may seem strong but we really are just small.
You can try to help me save my life.
But no matter what you say it will end in strife.
I am sorry I make you suffer.
Maybe I’m making excuses, sometimes I don’t want to recover.
I don’t understand what you say.
I don’t see what you see.
Where you see beauty I see failure.
Where you see love I see hate.
My eyes are blind, my ears are shut.
Never to be open again, nothing you say will be enough.
You may think me stubborn, pigheaded, and rude.
But I am none of these things.
I see my truth.

Okay..

We sat there staring off into the distance, a blank wall, both consumed in our own thoughts, hardly noticing we were in each other’s presence. She turned to me suddenly as if a ghost tapped her shoulder to awake her from her heavy thoughts. She stared at me for a while thinking I didn’t notice, but I did. I tried to remain pensive but I could feel her dark eyes on me, so I turned to face her. We simply stared into each other’s eyes, I began to see something that I had never noticed before. Her eye’s told a story. I didn’t know what the story was at the time, but I knew this story did not have a happy ending, much like mine. Her eyes were doleful and melancholy, they seemed to swim in sadness. “It’s going to be okay, you know?”, she said to me. I knew she was wrong, but she believed it. She believed that everything was going to be okay. She reached out to grab my hand, I thought about pulling it away, but I didn’t. She just held my hand as we sat there in silence. “It’s all going to be okay.”

Your attempts will all be in vain.

Some try to remove the thorns from the rose.
But I believe the rose is not complete without it's thorns.

Darkness

The darkness engulfs me.
It surrounds me.
Mischief sparking right and left.
Cries of pain, drunken laughs, and passionate moans fill the air.
Voices in my head whisper muffled gibberish.
The darkness, a time in which men kind thrive.
Where sadness is easily found and one is easily lost.
Drifting into a fantasy, away from the black.
Breath in and out, in and out, in and out.
The darkness, the wind whistles and coos making a grand symphony of noises.
Wolves run and howl, looking to the moon for their comfort.
Stars in the sky dance in sparkling clothes daring us to try.
The darkness, secrets are whispered from your mouth to my ear.
Flying colors fill the heads of forgotten souls.
Eyes roll back in the heads of pleasure hungry men.
The darkness, my mind wonders into the deep abyss.
My tears and blood flow down my body, yet I smile.
The darkness engulfs me.
It surrounds me.

Chirp Like the Crickets

Looking down upon the empty canyon.
It beckons me to come down.
It whispers words of want,
Yet expresses my deepest sorrow.
The stars are above me,
The crickets are chirping.
The songs of a thousand years fill my ears.
Ever green, forever.
Will my soul last forever?
I see sorrow in your eyes, as well.
Will you run away with me?
Will you join me, wherever we end up?
We can follow the fireflies and rest in the clouds.
We can dance in the meadows and bathe in the rainbows.
We can create reasons to smile,
And hold one another when we are sad.
Our tears will heal each other's wounds.
We can become free.
I will sing and whistle with the wind.
Will you sing along?
I will flow with the current.
Will you flow along?
A difficult choice.
A thought provoking piece.
We can chirp like the crickets.
Or we could simply sleep.

Taunt, Haunt, Break, Take

You taunt me
You haunt me
You break me
You take me
Let me go
Let me leave
I need to run
I need to flee
You have control
I lost it long ago
You have taken your toll
My mind has fallen into a lull
I can’t handle much more
I’m slowly disintegrating
I’m slowly melting away
I’m becoming just like the others
This is what you do
This is how you thrive
This is what you need
This is how you survive
You taunt
You haunt
You break
You take
A vicious cycle
Will it ever stop?

When my vision blurs and all I hear is the ring of silence in my ears, that is when it comes. Haunting me with it's sweet melodic tone while whispering poison into my ears. I do not understand it nor what it is. Why does it choose to torment me? But then again, maybe it's not a matter of it, but who. Maybe that who is me.