Love Me

Love me kindly

Love me fiercely

Love me passionately

Love me regardlessly

Love me generously

Love me compassionately

Love me unforgettably

Love me absurdly

Love me illogically

Love me secretly

Love me publicly

Love my sillily

Love me happily

Love me artistically

Love me beautifully

But most importantly,

Love me bravely.

And now I can feel everything falling apart. I've tricked myself for long enough. Things aren't good and I am slipping into relapse. I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone, I am so afraid to tell anyone. I don't want people to be disappointed in me. Feeling as if I have caused disappointment scares me more than dying again. I am so lost, I can't do this alone but I can't handle these feelings. I can't. I don't know what to do.

"Happiness"

Words once quickly and blissfully entered my soul, flowed gracefully into my mind, from my pen danced upon my paper, and then rested serenely there.

Passion once engrossed each action I would take, each word I would speak, each breathe I would breath.

Emotions and feelings once drowned out all sense and logic, leaving me gasping for air and longing for an escape.

This was my prior to my "saving grace".

Prior to my body's introduction to mind altering (some may say mending) chemicals (others may say poison).

Prior to the team of doctors trying to work impossible miracles.

Prior the countless hours of "coping skills" and "patching up the past"

Prior to my acute and dangerous emotions being dulled and assuaged.

Prior to the wounds healing and the scars forming.

Prior to the light.

Is this the light?

Is this freedom?

If this is freedom I am still begging for revolution.

For I feel trapped in a farrago of expectations and forced optimism now more than ever.

If the chemicals were thrown away would I return to the treacherous state I was before?

If I continue this cycle of self harm will I attempt to end my life a second time?

No one can truly say.

But one thing I am sure of is that this "happiness" is contrived, this "happiness" is not reality.

For no human being will ever be able to create happiness with science and logic.

For happiness is just the opposite,

Emotional and painfully illogical.

I have given up on love, or rather love has given up on me.

When the light is shone the makeup is fixed, the costume is adjusted, and the tears are wiped away.

When there is nothing but darkness the makeup runs, the costume is disassembled, and the tears flow smoothly and painfully.

Silence is the key. Remain silent, reveal little, and keep your inner most, private, cynical, and upsetting thoughts to yourself. That way you are always one step ahead. Never depend on anyone; become self sufficient and independent. Remember: Everyone will let you down and the fool that utters “forever” is a liar, sometimes we lie to ourselves too when we promise “forever”. Nothing lasts forever except your eternal bind to yourself, which in fact can be broken if you so choose. Develop your relationships to learn and grow and give your knowledge to others, not to be fulfilled or satisfied by another being. That is called a false sense of hope because no one will ever be truly able to fill you up if you are empty. Or perhaps I am wrong, perhaps my perception is warped and tainted. Some people see more, some people see the sadness in things others see happiness in. A young couple in love; this couple will end up more broken than they began. A new born child; this child will grow up to have to endure the pain the world plans to place upon his or her shoulders. Some see sadness, some see happiness, no body sees reality. I suppose reality is a mixture of the two, although I evidently tend to sway towards the negative side of the spectrum. Some may blame my character, some may blame the chemistry of my brain, some may blame my upbringing, some may blame culture. I say, nothing is to blame. I say reality will always be a mix of the two and no human being will ever be able to see reality for what it truly is. Funny how I can ramble on, I have completely switched subject although I didn’t exactly have a subject to being with. This piece of writing has been written in vain. This shouldn’t make any sense to anyone. I make no sense. How can I? I don’t even understand myself.

She left and she isn’t ever coming back.

She sat far away and stared often; she is always present but always at a distance.

She stayed but its like she’s not even here, like nothing ever mattered.

She pretended to leave, yet is still haunting me every moment of every day.

Skip a dose, skip a night of sleep, skip a meal, take a shot … or four, and take some chances.

This is where it leaves you.

Clenched fists, knotted stomach, teary eyes, splitting headache, and further away than you were before.

But the problem is, I’d do it all again in a second.

Never look back.

A lapse is not a relapse.

Funny how things used to matter so much. When we were all children and the world was new and exciting. When the idea of the tooth fairy slipping money under our pillow was exhilarating, when our birthdays were all we could think about for months prior, when a trip to Disneyland kept us tossing and turning all night in anticipation, when a visit from Santa Clause required preparation for the entire month of December. Now what keeps us going? The thought of the next opportunity to get fucked up or fuck another person? What is our motivation? Spending countless hours with friends who’s names we wont remember in thirty years? What is important? What matters to us? What excites us, truly excites us? What is our buzz? What makes all this suffering worth it? Before we grew up we found the beauty in the simple things the world had to offer us. Why did we have to get used to things? Why did we have to become desensitized? I guess what I am trying to say isn’t funny at all. The fact that we are now blind to the simple joy we once relished in is not funny but quite on the contrary. It is painfully sad that these things no longer tickle our spirit and send us leaping in the air out of excitement. I guess what I am saying is that I want that back. I want the happiness of childhood the simple gifts each day and season had to offer. Why did it have to be taken away from us? It is sickeningly unfair. But, then again, when is life ever fair?

I used to feel things, so vividly and passionately. We used to just be and that was enough. I used to know, I used to understand. Now I am lost, wondering aimlessly searching for the feelings I once felt. No, not once felt, but once felt the reciprocation of those feelings. Although I was the most miserable and lurking in the darkest places of my life thus far during that time, I was the happiest as well in an odd and slightly insane way. You made me happy, you still make me so unbelievably happy. I felt what I needed and what I wanted to feel the strongest. I continue to feel it, I long for it, but now it feels as if you no longer feel it. I hope I am wrong. I hope that this is just my insecurities playing tricks on me. I hope that this is nothing but a glitch in the dozens of pills I am forced to take every week or the absence of the destructive coping skills I once held so tightly. Maybe it’s not a feeling I’m chasing but us. Maybe I’m chasing us and what I wanted for us. I long for us. I long for you.

Sometimes we forget

I’ve fucked people over and I’ve embarrassed myself. Sometimes as we wander through life we forget about some of the most important lessons our parents taught us as young children. Sometimes we forget the loyalty we once understood so thoroughly. Sometimes we drop our ethics and what we deem as most important in order to have a good time. Time is so fleeting, sometimes we forget that a moment is a just a moment. Sometimes we must pause and ponder our own personal priorities. Life is very character driven. The plot of our lives may be invigorating and dangerously exciting but even with a stellar plot line our inner beings long for one another. As much as we try to deny it at times, we are social beings. We need love. We need care. We need attention. Most importantly we need to feel special. Never sacrifice the ones who supply these essential needs in order to have a story to tell in the morning. I am guilty of forgetting the loyalty I once thought I had mastered. I have let myself slip and let inner self hatred turn into slanderous words attacking those I love most. It’s sad how those who offer us the most love and fulfillment are the ones we end up hurting the most. I have forgotten. Sometimes we forget, but the act of forgetting is not equivalent to loss. We can still regain the knowledge we once owned. I am sorry, I am sorry if I have hurt you, I’m sorry if you have fallen victim to my irresponsibility and selfishness. I hope you can all forgive me. I will change and I will not let myself fall again because sometimes we forget, but we can always remember.

I Would

I would like to memorize the way wrinkles form around your eyes as you widen your radiant smile.

I would like to trace the creases of your hand as you hold mine tight in yours.

I would like to run my fingers through your hair and comb through all your deepest pain.

I would like capture each of your fallen tears and cry each one for you.

I would like to collect all of your worries and strife and sew them to my heart.

I would like to understand the feelings that I feel and share them with the world.

I would like to feel you invading my soul as we breathe and move in harmony.

I would like to express each ounce of care I have for you and help you understand.

I would like to climb upon dozens of rooftops and sing of your wonder for all to hear.

I would like to grasp each soft word you have spoken and conceal them in my heart.

I would like to take your heart, and whisper the truth, about how deeply that I love you.

Dear Oz, Wonderland, and Neverland:

Please do not be cold.

Please do not be lonely.

Please do not be scary.

Please do not be boring.

Please do not be too painful.

Please help me.

Please make me better.

Sincerely,

Dorothy, Alice, and Wendy

I shall be leaving. Leaving to find a new life, deliverance, and happiness. I've never felt the freedom I am now searching for. I can't do it on my own, I need help. But now I want this, I want this more than I can possibly say. I want to be free.

Do you feel that deep horrific sense of evil and dissatisfaction lurking in the pit of your stomach? Do you feel it whirling and crescendoing while concurrently engraving its malicious and painful imprint upon your heart. Do you feel this hate, this detestation toward yourself and all that you are and ever will be?

And I know that I'm not what you need, but it's okay with me. Because you're the thing that makes settling, so I'm okay with, if you're okay with me.

And as our bodies pressed and moved in harmony I felt you, your mind, your spirit, your heart together with mine. We became one. I've never felt anything like this before.

Retrospect

When I take a step back and examine my choices, my thoughts, my beliefs I see that I am an ever and constantly changing being. I grow, I learn, I fall, and I manage to find a way to rise up again. I used to consider myself static and unchanging but I see now that that is very far from the the truth. My indecisiveness has led me, in many ways, to where I am now. I'm not residing in hell nor the deepest darkest crevice of my mind anymore. I am swimming, swimming toward the light and the oxygen above the surface. I am swimming toward my freedom that I have lost long ago. I am finally understanding that these invisible chains can be broken. I don't need to be trapped in this iron cage any longer. The weight is being lifted from my chest; the hand around my throat is loosening. I am becoming free. I will be free.

"And so I went through the looking glass, stepped into the netherworld, where up is down and food is greed, where convex mirrors cover the walls, where death is honor and flesh is weak. It is ever so easy to go. Harder to find your way back."

Save Me

It's as if every single light has been dimmed and every candle blown out. Like a wave of guilt, horror, self hatred, and an unbearable sadness crashes over your vulnerable mind and heart; when all you are able to inhale is pain. It's when you feel as if this labyrinth is infinite and any hope that you have ever claimed as your own slowly burns and disintegrates. It's when you close your eyes and imagine various ways you can put an end to it all. When you "fantasize about your own demise" and form different cynical plans inside your head. Its when the voices rise and scream their slanderous words until they become your truth. Its when you feel the darkness engulfing you and gripping you firmly at your throat. Its when the cold settles deep into your bones and misery into your brain. When all you can do is wait and keep repeating to yourself, "This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass."

Silence

I hear the silence singing, from each corner of the world, to each corner of my mind.

The silence of our creator, watching solemnly from the heavens.

The silence of our leaders, allowing mischief to unfold.

The silence of our companions, searching through their own souls.

The silence of our guardians, expecting us to discover our own paths.

The silence of our minds, swimming in thoughts that our hearts can not seem to unravel.

The song of silence is a marvelous tune.

An unraveling melody incorporating each sense in it’s universal symphony.

Each listener of this mysterious ballad holds onto a different element of its wonder.

Silence creates discomfort amongst it’s partakers.

We have yet to understand the potency of silence.

We have yet to grasp the importance of silence.

Words will spin and gyrate endlessly, but silence remains still.

Silence is wise, silence is precious.

Attend to the silence and claim it as your own.

For the song of silence is one that will forever be sung.

Based on Walt Whitman's "I Hear America Singing"

I have come to the conclusion that I am not feeling sad, rather sadness is innate to my being.

The rubies fall from my sky, my skin, and my heart. Each drop expressing something different, misunderstood, something sick and dangerously new.

I caved, one month down the drain.

The Colors Violently Spin and Gyrate Toward Me

The colors violently spin and gyrate toward me.

The steady beat pulses to the beat of my heart,

something new takes over.

Emotions then replace the colors entering through my pores

circulating through my veins.

I feel you creeping through my bones.

I feel your being invading my soul.

I like it, I like you.

Fear crashes over my young, naive mind.

What if?

What if?

What if?

But I don't know.

The cemetery is still begging me to lie down.

I am still sleeping with demons.

You don't want me.

What do I want?

You?

Her?

Him?

Them?

It?

My mind is baffled and perplexed.

But my heart holds the weighty secret.

Shall it be revealed?

Time can only tell.

Unnerved and frightened

The unknown is difficult to venture off to.

Will you hold my hand?

Will you show me the way?

Set the path.

Take the lead.

Show me what to do.

Carve your name onto my heart.

And it shall be opened up to you.

The Best Seats in the House

The meds aren't working wonders.

The psychiatrist doesn't have the time.

The therapist is still on hold.

The counselor doesn't know how.

The journal has lost it's inspiration.

The friends have grown accustomed.

The strangers are blind as ever.

The teacher accepts the lie.

The mother cares too much.

The father doesn't give a fuck.

The lover is forever lost.

And I am still dying, slowly, before all of your eyes.

Accidental Babies by Damien Rice Cover

And I know sometimes you want to die but do you really feel alive without me?

Sad --> Sadness --> Sorrow --> Sorry

I am sorry that I am so sad.

I wish I could change the way that I am.

Unloveable doesn't even begin to cover it.

Seclusion

Last night I was awoken by a deep and terrible rumble. Trepidation and anxiety began to flow into every pore and opening on my body, filling my insides with horror and apprehension. I tried to open my eyes to see where I was and to try to remember how I had gotten there but against my persistent efforts my eyes remained shut. I then tried to move my toes, my fingers, my arms, and my legs but to no avail. I was paralyzed by fear itself, trapped inside of this strange and unusual place. Alone and vulnerable completely vulnerable. My eyes began to feel the dreaded sting of tears, as each tear blossomed from it's bud my closed eyes began to swell. While my eyes bulged my mouth slowly opened. I took in a quick sip of air and tried to use the little energy I had conjured up to let out a cry for help. Yet, as I began to scream, I heard nothing but the deafening ring of silence. I was trapped alone with my fears, my worries, but worst of all with myself, my greatest enemy of all.

Addicted

While I lie alone on the cold went floor.

My body aches for just a little bit more.

This is the lie I continuously tell.

Ever since my soul began to sell.

There was a time when I didn't always fail.

Before I heard the Siren's wail.

Before I began to self destruct.

Before temptation became, "You must."

Yet now I have fallen so deep in my mind

That my true self I can't seem to find.

I am controlled by something dark, unreal.

And forced to feel what I don't want to feel.

Perhaps this is the way things are supposed to be.

Perhaps this is why I still refuse to flee.

I was betrayed with a kiss by demons in disguise.

These despicable creatures spoon fed me lies.

I can not tell you what the future may hold.

But I am tired of being tricked and cajoled.

My story isn't over, I'll continue to write.

I will not surrender until I win this fight.

If you got visions of the past let them follow you down for they'll come back to you someday.

Cause lately I've been tired and uninspired.

I don't know what I feel anymore.