Skip a dose, skip a night of sleep, skip a meal, take a shot … or four, and take some chances.

This is where it leaves you.

Clenched fists, knotted stomach, teary eyes, splitting headache, and further away than you were before.

But the problem is, I’d do it all again in a second.

Never look back.

A lapse is not a relapse.

Funny how things used to matter so much. When we were all children and the world was new and exciting. When the idea of the tooth fairy slipping money under our pillow was exhilarating, when our birthdays were all we could think about for months prior, when a trip to Disneyland kept us tossing and turning all night in anticipation, when a visit from Santa Clause required preparation for the entire month of December. Now what keeps us going? The thought of the next opportunity to get fucked up or fuck another person? What is our motivation? Spending countless hours with friends who’s names we wont remember in thirty years? What is important? What matters to us? What excites us, truly excites us? What is our buzz? What makes all this suffering worth it? Before we grew up we found the beauty in the simple things the world had to offer us. Why did we have to get used to things? Why did we have to become desensitized? I guess what I am trying to say isn’t funny at all. The fact that we are now blind to the simple joy we once relished in is not funny but quite on the contrary. It is painfully sad that these things no longer tickle our spirit and send us leaping in the air out of excitement. I guess what I am saying is that I want that back. I want the happiness of childhood the simple gifts each day and season had to offer. Why did it have to be taken away from us? It is sickeningly unfair. But, then again, when is life ever fair?

I used to feel things, so vividly and passionately. We used to just be and that was enough. I used to know, I used to understand. Now I am lost, wondering aimlessly searching for the feelings I once felt. No, not once felt, but once felt the reciprocation of those feelings. Although I was the most miserable and lurking in the darkest places of my life thus far during that time, I was the happiest as well in an odd and slightly insane way. You made me happy, you still make me so unbelievably happy. I felt what I needed and what I wanted to feel the strongest. I continue to feel it, I long for it, but now it feels as if you no longer feel it. I hope I am wrong. I hope that this is just my insecurities playing tricks on me. I hope that this is nothing but a glitch in the dozens of pills I am forced to take every week or the absence of the destructive coping skills I once held so tightly. Maybe it’s not a feeling I’m chasing but us. Maybe I’m chasing us and what I wanted for us. I long for us. I long for you.

Sometimes we forget

I’ve fucked people over and I’ve embarrassed myself. Sometimes as we wander through life we forget about some of the most important lessons our parents taught us as young children. Sometimes we forget the loyalty we once understood so thoroughly. Sometimes we drop our ethics and what we deem as most important in order to have a good time. Time is so fleeting, sometimes we forget that a moment is a just a moment. Sometimes we must pause and ponder our own personal priorities. Life is very character driven. The plot of our lives may be invigorating and dangerously exciting but even with a stellar plot line our inner beings long for one another. As much as we try to deny it at times, we are social beings. We need love. We need care. We need attention. Most importantly we need to feel special. Never sacrifice the ones who supply these essential needs in order to have a story to tell in the morning. I am guilty of forgetting the loyalty I once thought I had mastered. I have let myself slip and let inner self hatred turn into slanderous words attacking those I love most. It’s sad how those who offer us the most love and fulfillment are the ones we end up hurting the most. I have forgotten. Sometimes we forget, but the act of forgetting is not equivalent to loss. We can still regain the knowledge we once owned. I am sorry, I am sorry if I have hurt you, I’m sorry if you have fallen victim to my irresponsibility and selfishness. I hope you can all forgive me. I will change and I will not let myself fall again because sometimes we forget, but we can always remember.

I Would

I would like to memorize the way wrinkles form around your eyes as you widen your radiant smile.

I would like to trace the creases of your hand as you hold mine tight in yours.

I would like to run my fingers through your hair and comb through all your deepest pain.

I would like capture each of your fallen tears and cry each one for you.

I would like to collect all of your worries and strife and sew them to my heart.

I would like to understand the feelings that I feel and share them with the world.

I would like to feel you invading my soul as we breathe and move in harmony.

I would like to express each ounce of care I have for you and help you understand.

I would like to climb upon dozens of rooftops and sing of your wonder for all to hear.

I would like to grasp each soft word you have spoken and conceal them in my heart.

I would like to take your heart, and whisper the truth, about how deeply that I love you.