I'm selfish. I'm tried, I'm lost, I'm sorry. It was just too much to handle.

I keep having these reoccurring visions in my head whenever I close my eyes, even for a few seconds. Horrific pictures that replay over and over again like a never ending slideshow. Some of these awful images are memories or pictures I have seen before and some are new, things that haven't happened yet. They scare me, whatever or whomever is the reason these visions are haunting me scares me. I don't know what to do, I feel so trapped inside my own my mind.

Yes. Maybe Not. Perhaps.

Maybe we weren't meant to go this deep into our minds. Maybe we aren't supposed to know the depths of our own souls. Maybe its some sort of mystical secret. Perhaps thats why brilliant people self destruct. Perhaps we know far too much already and we must stop ourselves from knowing any more.

Maybe not.

No One Ever Can

"I just feel so broken, everything is so wrong. I just want to be happy" she said as the wind rustled her hair and the tears streamed down her rosy cheeks. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I looked out to the dark sky and vast angry ocean. I need an answer, I need to show her that it is going to be alright. "I know" was all I could say. She reached out to grab my hand. Her warm hand laced my cold pale fingers "I know you know". I felt the rumble of a sob deep in my throat. The birds sang their evening songs all around me, how I wish I could be one of them. "I am afraid I am going to loose you. I just want to know that you are going to be okay", she said. I will never be okay. "You don't need to worry about me", I replied "I love you so much of course I worry" Silence. She cleared her throat "I'm sorry that I don't understand" "No one ever can".

Green With Envy

She feels venom pulsing through her veins.

She picks up her courage, this detestation she does not restrain.

As hateful liquid wells up in her eyes.

Every tinge of compassion within her withers and dies.

She feels the burst of loathing deep in her soul.

She must purge this pain, it is taking it's toll.

So she lets poison come pouring out her mouth.

She lies and she hopes no one will doubt.

Conspiracies and twisted truths surround her each day.

Eventually others will notice and the price she'll have to pay.

All this sparked by a substance quite difficult to see.

Never let your heart be consumed by jealousy.

A Fallen and Balanced Nightmare

I was standing proudly erect with my chin up and chest slightly out. I was dressed in a lacy and rhinestoned black corset and tutu, with my hair pulled back into a tight bun. As I slowly looked down toward my feet I realized that I was about one hundred feet above the ground and balancing on a tight rope. Instantly a crowd of nearly a thousand people appeared and were gathered below me. Each being looked familiar to me, yet I couldn't seem to place how I knew them. Each person had one thing in common, expectation and anger filled their eyes. Suddenly anxiety and fear washed over me, and I began to sob and wail. I screamed and screamed helplessly, but the audience merely stared at me with their hateful eyes. "I can't! I can't walk this tight rope, I just can't do this!", I yelled. Then I jumped and fell down down and down. The fall seemed to be infinite until the endless falling finally jolted me awake.

While you make a scene in public over the silliest of things, I'll cry silently in private over the ancient pain that can not be mitigated by simply medicine and a pat on the back.

Desperate

I don't know what to do.

I don't know where to turn.

I need help.

I know I need help.

But I don't want it.

I don't want most of it.

I need someone to talk to.

But there is no one.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

Dearest Friend,

We have been walking along this treacherous path for nearly seven hundred and thirty days. You have been with me through it all. You've sat there watching me squirm and cry. It was always simply you and I. You urged me to block others out, you've shown me how much there is to despise in myself. You have given me the unforgettable gift of pain and the experience of heart wrenching sadness. You whisper words of self destruction in my ear, you push me harder each and every day. But it's not your fault. In a way I want you to stay. Not because I enjoy your presence but because I am afraid to live my life without you. We have been spending far too much time together alone, without using others as a buffer. You are slowly killing me in every way possible. But the problem that has been basking in my mind for countless hours are the questions that will haunt me for the rest of my life: Do I love you or do I hate you? Will I let you stay or will I make you go? I suppose I will never stop hating you. I suppose I will never stop loving you. But I do have a choice to make, it's either me or you. Life versus death, either way I loose. The answer may be obvious to others, but to me it will be the most difficult decision I will ever have to make.

With love,

Your favorite

P.s. I better choose soon because I don't how much longer I will be able to last.

Come on skinny love just last the year

I never knew it was going to be this hard.

I wish I would have known.

I wish I would have known.

Addiction is just beginning.

Addiction spirals uncontrollably.

I need this.

If I would have known, if I just would have known.

Physical pain is only the beginning.

I can not stand it.

I wish I would have known.

I wish I would have known.

The only problem is I did know.

I chose to ignore it.

I am stuck, trapped.

Now I must leave my home to do my deed.

I miss those days when I was alone.

Now that I think about it

sleeping forever sounds nice.

The thing is

You are wrong.

The beauty you see is nothing but a mask glued to my skin.

I'm not worth it, run away while you can.

I'm not who you think I am, not even close.

My whole life is a lie intwined with secrets and deception.

For your own good leave me alone, and forget about me.

You will never know who I really am, I can promise you that.

Dazed and Confused

I don't know.

Turn this way, go straight.

Make a left, actually go back.

I change my mind everyday.

My dreams change every night.

I don't know what is for me.

I don't know which is right.

But perhaps it's both.

I know it's okay.

I'm open.

Could they deal with that?

Can I?

I just don't know.