And now I can feel everything falling apart. I've tricked myself for long enough. Things aren't good and I am slipping into relapse. I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone, I am so afraid to tell anyone. I don't want people to be disappointed in me. Feeling as if I have caused disappointment scares me more than dying again. I am so lost, I can't do this alone but I can't handle these feelings. I can't. I don't know what to do.

"Happiness"

Words once quickly and blissfully entered my soul, flowed gracefully into my mind, from my pen danced upon my paper, and then rested serenely there.

Passion once engrossed each action I would take, each word I would speak, each breathe I would breath.

Emotions and feelings once drowned out all sense and logic, leaving me gasping for air and longing for an escape.

This was my prior to my "saving grace".

Prior to my body's introduction to mind altering (some may say mending) chemicals (others may say poison).

Prior to the team of doctors trying to work impossible miracles.

Prior the countless hours of "coping skills" and "patching up the past"

Prior to my acute and dangerous emotions being dulled and assuaged.

Prior to the wounds healing and the scars forming.

Prior to the light.

Is this the light?

Is this freedom?

If this is freedom I am still begging for revolution.

For I feel trapped in a farrago of expectations and forced optimism now more than ever.

If the chemicals were thrown away would I return to the treacherous state I was before?

If I continue this cycle of self harm will I attempt to end my life a second time?

No one can truly say.

But one thing I am sure of is that this "happiness" is contrived, this "happiness" is not reality.

For no human being will ever be able to create happiness with science and logic.

For happiness is just the opposite,

Emotional and painfully illogical.

I have given up on love, or rather love has given up on me.