Silent Words

I was walking along the sidewalk staring down at my feet, wishing I could melt into the pavement.

I felt the rain upon my neck and heard the sob of baby.

Something inside of me told me to find this crying child.

Once I raised my eyes I found the small family of three standing by their car.

The father was tall and mildly good looking with light brown hair and thick rimmed glasses.

The mother was absolutely stunning.

She had fair skin and long blonde hair that flowed down to her slender waist.

The baby looked to be about a year old and was crying mercilessly.

The father looked puzzled as to why his child was crying, the mother gently rocked the baby back and forth.

Once the child had calmed down she compassionately ran her fingers through her husband's hair and gave him a quick understanding smile.

She slowly walked away, strapped the baby into the car seat, and climbed into the passenger seat.

The father still seemed to look puzzled, he looked into the sky pensively as if he was trying to unravel some sort of mystery.

He looked down and was about to climb into the drivers seat of his car when he noticed me staring.

I quickly looked away not wanting him to realize I had been watching him and his family all the while.

When I looked back up to check if he was still looking at me I caught his stare again.

I instinctively smiled and he smiled back, but his smile wasn't genuine it was forced.

His smile reminded me of my own, slapped on to hide the real pain that was going on inside.

"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside."

Why do I whine so?

I should keep more to myself.

Is there a piano resting upon my chest?

Crushing my ribcage, taking away my oxygen.

Why is this manicured hand grasping my neck?

Sinking it's nails into my skin, drawing crimson blood.

Is there a lump of burning coal lodged in my throat?

Slowly disintegrating my vocal chords, silencing my screams.

Are there insects inside in my stomach?

Eating away, making their hole bigger and bigger.

How is there rain pouring from my eyes?

When all I want is for it all to cease.

I am numb.

This wont last.

But for now,

I am numb.

It makes me laugh because

You all say you are so independent. You all say you are so unique. You all say you are so different. But I say you are all a morphed and slightly tweaked version of what you jest at. You are all the same in your "independent", "unique", and "different" way. But there is nothing wrong with that, don't worry I won't tell anyone.

Hour Glass

There are two sides of me. The sane side and the insane side. I am periodically turned, the sand rushes from one side to another. The trick is to never let one side run out. I must make sure that there is always some sand in both sides. That is the problem, I am slipping. There is hardly any sand left. I am loosing everything. I am becoming my worst fear. I am loosing my sanity.

As if there was a way to turn off reality.
That I alone only knew.
A little switch or maybe a secret key.
Just a flinch and a piercing coo.
I'd take a step into the something.
I'd let new feelings rush in through my toes.
I would listen to the hushed singing.
A place where there were no lows.
I would close my eyes and feel a city.
Or maybe sleep in the water instead.
I would smell the sweet sent of serenity.
And let go of all my dread.
The honeysuckles would sparkle.
The pomegranates would glisten.
The sun flowers would chuckle.
The nectarines would listen.
Butterflies flutter and rest upon my eye lashes.
Rainbows chasse and plie.
Happiness and giggles swarm in the masses.
The loveliness is here to stay.
But only here in a silly dream.
My smile fades as my fantasy crumbles.
So nothing is as it seems?
Then why does it seem that I only break down and tumble?
My sadness can not be washed away by a foolish grin.
My open sores can not be healed with loving words.
I am crumpled and contaminated with my own sins.
Where are all my singing birds?
No more turquoise, purple, and gold.
All I see everywhere is dirt and mold.

I have an enemy.
The difference between me and you is that you don't need your enemy to survive.
It's all my enemies fault.
Everything is it's fault!
I don't know what to do.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
I have no one.

I was so yesterday

And than I realized, I've never felt that I was a part of anything. I was never vital to somebody or some group of people. I was always just there breathing, talking (sometimes), and performing. I was used for what I was good for but once my usefulness had run dry I was thrown out. For short periods of time I have felt that I was needed and loved, but I was always proven otherwise. I am a second thought, always have been always will be. Second, number two, old news, not important anymore. Life as an invisible person, a rejected person is quite lonely. I wonder if you will ever know how you make all the lonely people in the world feel. Probably not, you don't want to see, so you wont. Someday you'll miss me.

Your gentle words still linger in my ear

Memories are like time travel. Close your eyes and remember it, relive it, experience it, feel it again. It's not the same, it never will be. But just hope that more memories will be made and more time traveling endeavors can be taken.

When you have something magical hold on to it, love it, and enjoy it. Nothing lasts forever so no matter what it will be painful when it is stolen from you. But never dwell on it, for dwelling on something magical is when the next magic passes you by without you knowing it.

I know what magic looks like

There is magic everywhere. 

In my eyes. 

In my hair. 

Between my lips.  

Within my soul. 

Look closer.  

Maybe you can see it too. 

Spinning and glittering. 

Swirling and crescendoing.  

Blue, green, purple, black. 

Once you see the magic. 

Than you will be free. 

But until then try  

Try to feel it. 

Try to see it. 

Maybe someday you will be it.   

Magic. 

We are generic.
We are average.
We are typical.

"I love you." (I don't really)
"I love you too." (I feel required to say this)

"I've missed you so much." (I haven't thought about you once)
"I've missed you more." (That was a lie)

"How are you?" (I don't really care about the answer)
"I've been ... good." (I don't want to tell you what's really going on)

I don't know you.
You don't know me.

I've never known you.
You've never known me.

You are safe.
I am safe.

We don't climb.
We sit.

We don't run.
We stay.


Have you ever wanted more?
(Maybe you haven't)

!!!

I am bound.

From head to toe I am bound.

My hands.

My feet.

My chest.

I can't breath.

I'm trying.

Why can't I breath?

I am vulnerable, I feel vulnerable.

It's crushing me.

I am bound.

Poof!

I'll just laugh until you feel ashamed.

I'll just cry until you feel uncomfortable.

I'll just scream until you are scared.

I'll just ignore you until you feel neglected.

I'll just stare until you go away.

But if you don't leave.


Then I will.

Snakes and spiders

Stop talking to me.
Stop tempting me.
You are so fucking sick.
Am I going crazy?
Probably.

and you said..

Simple is such a misleading word.
Just do it, just don't do it, it's simple.
It's not simple, actually it's complex.
It's not easy it's quite difficult.
Nothing is simple, we are not simple, I am not simple.
Do you understand?
It's simple, really.

Thanks for that.
Thanks for that.
Thanks for that.
Don't tell me that you can't sleep.
Don't tell me you can't leave me alone.
Don't tell me how much I am hurting you.
That's not your job.
You aren't supposed to do that.
Leave that for other people to say.
It's just like the last time.
Like all the other times.
Stop using guilt.
It only rips me up more inside.
Thanks for that.
Thanks for that.
Thanks for that.
I really really appreciate it.

I forgot what this felt like

At least someone in this world can fall asleep tonight and know that it is going to be okay. It really really is.

I hate that you try to cover it up, I know you once thought of me as more than just a friend. As short as the time may have been there still was a time. I'll never understand why you are so afraid.

The Bird Still Sings

I’m on this stage.
Some may call it a cage.
Twirling and bounding.
Crowds ooh and aah, astounding.
Easily tricked, easily fooled.
They say they do but they don't really care.
As long as I entertain, it doesn’t matter if its fair.
Sing and act.
Be what others want you to be.
Internal struggles, cover them up.
Keep the words of poison in your mouth shut.
Scars on my body resemble scars on my heart.
Open wounds you can see resembles open wounds you can’t touch.
The show must go on.
Your act must not defile.
Never take off your elegiac smile.

Simplistic

You don't get it. You think you do, but you don't.
You think it's easy, that is the first sign that you don't get it.
If it was easy than I wouldn't be struggling, he wouldn't be struggling, she wouldn't be struggling.
We would all be okay, but we are not.
Trying once or twice doesn't make you all knowing.
It doesn't make you able to get inside my head.
No one will ever fully understand because they are not me, they don't know what I am thinking.
They don't really want to understand.
They have been told that they have to try to understand.
You don't know, you just don't know.

I can feel my humanity slipping.

As tears roll down her cheeks she stares at herself in the mirror.
She hates what she sees, what she is.
She wishes she could reach out and choke the person staring back at her.
She wishes she could shatter her reflection, make her disappear forever.
"Why am I doing this? Why can't I stop?", she asks herself.
Her knees buckle and she falls.
Her body quakes and curls.
She holds herself as her body begins to fail her.
She thinks to herself "What have I done?"
She coughs up more blood and wipes her salty tears from her eyes.
Alone.
Uncontrollable.
Sick.
She keeps going and going.
She ignores the pain.
She needs to get rid of the hate.
You don't understand.
You don't know.
She reaches out and carves her message into the side of the wall.
"I am so cold, I am so lost, I am so empty, I am so contaminated, I am so weak. Save me."

Just like doll

I want it. I do, I want it. As much as I like to say I am not superficial and not shallow I know what I want. And I know what I have to do to get it. The thoughts that run through my head are all surrounded around what I want. And I'll do what I have to do to get it. But is what I think I want what I really want?

Goodnight Sandman

I want to shut my eyes I want to drift away. But my mind races, my senses keep me awake. I have no control, I can’t even control where my thoughts wonder while I am conscious. My eye lids slowly close, my breathing steadies, a low hum invades my mind. Only to be stopped suddenly, awakened by the next sporadic pulse of energy. I wish I could escape into a fantasy world, leave this all behind for a few hours of dreaming bliss.